Over the last three months, we've had several families in our close friend group who have been served a real-life crisis of one kind or another. Some of our closest friends lost their entire home to a house fire. Another had an organ transplant out of state from his family. And one of my best friends was waiting to hear about a serious diagnosis for her husband.
Whew, life was so heavy for so many we loved. Each of these things happened in a blink of an eye. One day life was normal and everyone was maintaining for the most part. Seemingly the next, life put them deep into the shade and everything they knew was chaotic, stressful, and sad.
My heart aches when I hear of others in a deep shade of life. I instantly put myself back in the hospital hallway hearing "It's cancer" from Mike's surgeon. I see myself on the floor of our closet weeping until my tears just wouldn't fall any longer. I want so badly to wrap my arms around each of them and walk alongside them, giving any shred of stability, helpful aid, and love to them as they navigate these chapters of the shade.
When everything was out of control, my instincts went into OVERDRIVE to control anything and everything I could. I had a binder I lugged around to every doctor's appointment and sometimes to work with me when I needed to call on appointments or bills. It was the only control I had - it housed every lab result, doctor's notes, official diagnosis and surgery reports, business cards of specialists, and more.
I wouldn't let myself let go of anything, fearing that other things would unravel into chaos. I white-knuckled through every day to keep any amount of normalcy in our lives. As the initial shock and onslaught of information about his diagnosis waned just a bit, three things finally sunk in from my friends and family who were rallying around us.
Tuck these away in your subconscious. Life will give us all times of crisis. I hope these ease your clenched knuckles a bit sooner than I was able to and bring in a bit of light through the darkness.
Let go of perfection. More so, I had to let go of the idea that because things were getting done by others and not necessarily "my way" those parts of life were out of control too and needed my attention. For example, we had a 14-month-old at the time of his diagnosis and had a wonderful in-home daycare she had attended. My mother-in-law would pack her bag and sometimes drop her off/pick her up. Was the bag packed the way I did it? No. Were all the necessary items there and was the baby loved and cared for? Yes.
Be specific about what you need. This was a hard one for me. Even before, I didn't want to be a bother to anyone else and we just handled our own stuff. Lots of friends offered "anything we needed." One day what I needed was bananas for the baby's breakfast and toilet paper. So I asked. And an hour later, those things plus some muffins, a few yogurts, and an iced coffee were at our door from a dear friend. Other days I needed my toilets cleaned or a nap.
Allow your friends to love you. I would drop anything for my friends in crisis and help in any way I could. I had to realize the same was true for our friends. That the list of thank you notes I intended to write for every prayer, meal, or errand they helped with wasn't something I needed to do. They showed up because they loved us. They were happy to help in any way we needed, and knowing they cared for us was all the thank you they needed.
