Our church (Christ Church of the Valley) just wrapped a three-week series about the soundtracks of our minds. Each week was incredible as our pastoral team delivered messages about the stories we tell ourselves and the stories we contribute through our words to those in our lives. Powerful to say the least.
You can check out the full series "Soundtracks" here.
Each week they referred back to a framework for how we can more objectively help ourselves accept or reject a soundtrack we should believe for our lives. That framework is to apply three simple filters to a mindset or a story before you put stock into it being a part of your life.
The three parts are:
Is it true? Meaning is the story or soundtrack I am hearing or wanting to believe actually true? Is there factual information and honest, genuine exchange being used?
Is it helpful? Is the information I am choosing or sharing helpful to myself and others? Does it give confidence or tear down confidence? Does it advance my own or someone else's well-being?
Is it kind? Is this story or words being shared with care and compassion? Even if it's a hard topic is it being told with heartfelt concern and utmost respect? Is this story truly kind to my heart and the hearts of others?
I use a similar filter with my girls. A few years ago just as school had resumed after the height of the pandemic, my then 10-year-old was having some challenges with a kid at school. Nothing too serious, but some behaviors were happening that made her feel slightly uncomfortable and annoyed.
Over a few weeks, we talked nearly every day about the situation and the happenings with this kid and how it made her feel. We discussed the parents getting involved or whether a note to the teacher or principal was warranted.
We talked about boundaries and speaking up for ourselves when things are not right. We discussed the responsibility all of us have to each other to respect boundaries and to stop when someone asks you to stop and how this kid was not being respectful to hers.
We talked about it being perfectly acceptable to walk away. We talked about being firm in our asks for them to stop and stand by the needs we have, particularly in this situation.
One day she came home and said she had a great idea. She would tell him she had COVID-19 so that he would be too scared of catching it to come near her.
Brilliant in her 10-year-old mind.
Not so for this mama. I had flashes of her saying it in the hallway and this kid and all the others backing away from her. She'd be sent down to the nurse's office and sat in a quarantine room until I was called to pick her up. I'd arrive to a berating by the school officials about how I hadn't followed the pandemic protocol and she could not come back to school for two weeks, numerous negative tests, and even then would likely have the proverbial "C" necklace around her for the remainder of the year.
I quickly snapped to reality and calmly stated that would not be a good idea. I explained that while would likely do the trick with this kid, saying something like that would have many more consequences for her that wouldn't be so positive.
I ended up saying, "we need to be kind and clear."
Kind doesn't mean nice. It doesn't mean you roll over and accept or take bad behavior. It doesn't mean you have to be friends with someone or work to be in their good graces. It means you don't stoop to their level. You don't call names. You don't undermine. You don't act mean even if meanness is coming your way.
Clear means to say what we want or need to change. It means speaking up for ourselves and being confident that we deserve respect. It means no beating around the bush or hemming and hawing about what it is we need to say. It is to be truthful in our statements and direct with our words.
It wasn't until this past series at church that I thought about applying these filters to the stories or mindsets we have within ourselves. All too often we spiral into self-loathing and unkind stories because of untrue or unhelpful words someone else spoke to us.
Applying these filters or remembering the "kind and clear" mantra is something we all can practice for our internal soundtracks and external. We practiced being kind and clear with what she needed to say the next day. Our practice did not include telling a lie about COVID-19 or anything else. It was an exercise in being direct, and while sometimes hard, the need for it was apparent.
We talked about how being kind and clear is really the easiest path to resolution. While someone may still not want to hear your kind and clear words - it is a truthful way to deliver unpleasant things in a way that you can remain true to yourself.
Fast forward three years and in our house the idea of "kind and clear" is a regular discussion. As both my girls navigate tween and teen years, challenges with school and friend drama, we come back to representing ourselves in kind and clear ways that allow us to be confident in our delivery, direct in our needs, and true to our self-respect.
What stories are you choosing to believe? What soundtracks do you need help processing and applying filters to bring you peace?